Today is my birthday, and the first day I am back to my writing nook for a while. For shits and giggles, I am going to reverse the tradition of receiving gifts and share a gift with you. I call it the
“FUCK IT!” mode
That’s right, pardon my language, but I am going to be honest today!! Let’s go beyond all that ‘happy’ shit and have a real and raw conversation!! You know you want to, and you know that all that ‘be positive’ and ‘shine your light’ stuff can be frustrating at times when life takes a dip and just isn’t feeling so great. I get it!!
It has been 2 weeks since my surgery, and I just had some of my insides removed and other parts repaired. My backside is black and blue, and I can barely sit without screaming; having a bowel movement is like giving birth through my anus. What you saw and heard on my social media posts did not encompass a tiny percentage of what I was really going through. I fed into the expectation of only showing up as the ‘let’s be happy, optimistic and move towards joy’ bullshit gal. It was exhausting keeping up with how I thought I ‘should’ show up, rather than going with ‘here is how I really feel’ so I am now choosing,
Once I surrendered to the “Fuck It!” mode, and as I scrolled through all the ‘move towards joy, let’s be happy’ FaceBook and Instagram posts and tweets, my philosophy of life was reiterated;
“Life is filled with the good, bad and ugly, and
you better be prepared to face it all or
you will be living in some unrealistic fantasy world that will,
eventually, knock you flat on your ass”.
I know there are many others who feel the same way. I know this because when I share my thoughts about what ‘happiness’ is with my clients, women’s groups and friends, there is a huge sigh of relief that they have been given permission to speak and be their truth with no expectations. They realize that what they have been feeling is not inline with the ‘all is good, all the time’ concept. Their thoughts that life is filled with good and bad shit is validated, and they discover that its all ok. They finally feel confident enough to share how they really feel, which is that life is not always that amazing, and sometimes we just need to let our guard down, be vulnerable and say,
Our society, in particular social media, has gone to the other end of the spectrum. In our quest to ‘be happy’ and move towards all things wonderful, we have created extreme positivity expectations and we have programmed people to suppress their true feelings, the emotions that don’t fit into the equation or perception of ‘happiness’ and ‘the living my dream scheme’. We have decided that if we ignore the so called ‘bad’ things in our life or the ‘negative’ feelings that come up, all will be good and great. We say that we don’t advocate perfectionism, when the reality is that we are subliminally expecting it. This is NOT mindfulness or being authentic; it is the exact opposite. We have created a fake existence that can, eventually, lead us all to great disappointment resulting in feelings of defeat and lack of self-worth. Don’t be mistaken, even those who are screaming ‘Just Be Happy’ and ‘You Can Have It All’, have shit behind their door. Let’s face it, there are times when we just need to let our guard down, look someone in the eye or ourselves in the mirror, and say,
There are people in my life who know me very well, and they know that I have learned to value, embrace and commit to imperfection and the crap that goes with it. I have learned that blocking my shit creates a great backlog of resentment and regret. It is freeing to allow yourself to surrender to the reality of what is happening in your life and to be ok with saying, “this is who I am”, “this is how I feel” and “I just want to be pissy for the time being; I feel comfortable here, and I don’t need to be fixed”. No one has the right to challenge you on how you feel or try to move you in another direction, and you need to be confident enough to speak it and empowered to show up in it.
Here’s the thing:
When I’m hungry, I get pissy;
When I’m tired, I get impatient;
When I’m in pain, I get anxious;
When I don’t succeed, I get disappointed;
When someone hurts me, I get angry;
When I know I am not right, I get fearful.
I get triggered by judgement, hatred, ridicule, jealousy, prejudice, control and manipulation, and when that happens, I can spiral into the vortex of inauthenticity just like anyone else; imperfection at it’s best – yes, best not worst!
Over the years, and through much self-healing, self-love and personal evolution, I have learned that the best way to manage these emotions is to understand them, embrace them, allow them to be, to listen to them, and then, for a period of time before I even attempt to learn any lessons and think about my next step, I allow myself to go to that very real and raw way of being and shout to the roof tops of my mind,
So, as I sit here, the shooting pains going up my ‘you know what’ are providing me with a very clear message that I need to say, “Fuck it!”, and move to my bed for a rest now. How do I feel about that? Irritated that another physical ailment is dictating what I can or cannot do, but relieved that I can surrender to it, and lay in peace with the confidence that
“I am doing the best I can do today and in this moment”
There is a sense of peace and ease knowing that I will experience more moments of positivity in a few more weeks as long as, from time to time, I allow myself to surrender to the not so pleasant feelings and with confidence, commit to saying,
#fuckit #DaringlyMindfulDiana #emotions #leadauthentic #ihadahysterchtomy