It has been a while since I wrote a blog post, and today felt right to write!!
I’m not a big fan of sharing quotes because I know that they can create expectations for the reader to live up to the message, and they might not be ready given their circumstances or where they are within whatever their journey is. This little bundle of words resonates with me, and has supported me from time to time so, just throwing it out there should someone be able to use it to move forward from feeling hurt or deceived. If you’re not ready yet, I understand, and I encourage you to experience your anger and feelings of rejection before, even thinking of, offering forgiveness of any kind.
Forgiveness is tricky business when we have been deeply hurt, especially when the hurt was camouflaged amidst, what we perceived, was love and kindness. The worst part is when we don’t see the hurt coming towards us. We’re moving along through life, happily supporting and loving others, and then out of the blue, they slam us with an unkind act that is unthinkable in our minds. We are in shock and can’t fathom why someone we care about would even think of treating us in this way. But is it really so shocking? And, did we really not feel or see that gremlin skulking around?
I have been hurt within relationships a few times in my life, and I have found that, once I push my ego aside and move through the grieving process, I realize that the red flags were there all along. It is I who is accountable for ignoring and not acknowledging the signs and responding to them accordingly. If I am honest with myself, I would admit that I ignored small deceptive behaviours, certain pieces of conversations, and other clues that the other person showed up within and that didn’t resonate with me.
This is where I acknowledge that some self-discovery needs to be practiced as I reflect on why I would ignore such critical clues that I knew would end up causing me pain, hardship and loss. In doing so, and in each case, I went to a pattern of abandoning my vulnerable, authentic and best self and dove into the chaos of self-deceipt while engaging in a relationship with someone who didn’t value love as I do. Why would I do that?
Well, it is usually when I am in a vulnerable state and moved through some kind of transition and searching for human connection; one of my top core values. I have discovered this piece of me as my worst self through much self-work, and I am usually mindful of when I move towards this state of being, but sometimes life just gets a little complicated and I take on too much. It is during these times that I don’t practice the awareness of self that I need in order to function in a mindful manner; I unconsciously seek connection in an almost desperate fashion and I don’t discriminate who I engage with. This gets me in trouble as I ultimately choose one out of the batch who does not own the same values as I do. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means that we are not authentically aligned, and that is a recipe for disaster.
So, the onus is on me, and the point of all of this is that I am accountable for what I allow in my life, and if I allow unkindness into my day, then that is what I shall receive. It doesn’t happen often, but when I allow others to hurt me, it is when I am in a situation of yearning for connection and I allow the first person who comes along to satisfy this desire. This is where forgiveness comes into this story; not for the one who inflicted me with pain by the way, because, honestly, they hurt me and they usually don’t ask for forgiveness (I never understood the concept of forgiving someone who doesn’t think they did anything wrong; what is the point??) No, I mean forgiving myself for getting on this little u-turn of agreeing with the perception that I am not worthy of choosing relationships that honour and provide me with the two things I value the most; love and kindness.
In wrapping this all up, I wish you all the self-forgiveness you desire as you move through dysfunctional relationships, choices that don’t serve you well, and just any little life glitch that has left you feeling a wee bit broken and defeated. Forgive yourself for these little indiscretions because you are not a bad person; you just need clarity about what is important to you so that you choose that the next time around. You are worthy and you are forgiven; now go eat the cake!!!